Seeing Angels as I walk through Hell

Today, when we arrived at the hospital, the social worker sought us out and told us that she would like to have a sit-down meeting with us and the doctors for both Avery and Sienna. We already feared the worst, but tried to enjoy our visits with the girls.

At about noon Robin and I both decided that we needed a little bit of time alone but as I was making my way back toward the NICU I saw Andrea who has been such a friend, not only in this particular hard time but in almost every hard time I have had over the past four years and her kindness hasn’t only been for me, but all of the rest of my extended family and probably far more than I have seen. Andrea walked up with me and waited with Robin and I until we were told that the doctors and social worker were ready to meet with us and then waited until after we were out of the meeting and comforted us. We love you and will forever feel in debt to you, Andrea.

The meeting was much what we expected with the doctors, the social worker, and the director of the NICU basically telling us that they are at the end of what they can do for the girls and that we will have to make a decision based on how the girls are doing. Sienna still hasn’t passed any urine and eventually her heart will not be able to handle the toxins that have built up in her body. That is on top of the already serious brain bleeds that she has suffered. Avery’s head continues to swell and we were told that due to the swelling and the fact that her poor brain has suffered so much she likely will never have normal motor functions. The doctors and nursing staff will continue to resuscitate the girls but warned us that in doing so we will likely be causing pain and still accomplishing almost nothing. Robin and I are torn. We don’t want to lose our daughters without a fight but we also don’t want our daughters to suffer. They told us what their procedures are for when this time comes and said that we could hold the girls even before, a practice they don’t usually employ. Also in the room were two of the most Saintly of Angels I have ever met. Two women (their primary nurses) who have tried the best they could to provide us with some sense of normalcy throughout this journey. One of them wept.

Robin and I sat alone in that room for a while after all of the others left and decided that we would like to hold the girls. We first held Sienna. Her little eyes opened and she looked at her Mommy while I was holding her. As I rocked her back and forth I tried to imagine that we were in their room at home. When Robin took over there was an absolute glow of peace in Si’s beautiful little eyes. We then held Avery. Her eyes still haven’t opened but she seemed so peaceful laying there in my arms. As Robin held her both she and I were consumed with the emotions of the moment and with neither of us feeling well we had to leave. Before I could though, her nurse insisted that I help with placing Avery down in the bed. At the end of each visit Robin and I got to kiss each girl. I feel much better having done so.

This journey has been the absolute worst thing that I have ever dealt with in my entire life. I would never wish it upon anyone else. I have however, looked into the eyes of Angels along the way. Our nurses in the labor and delivery and then recovery area were all wonderful. The doctors who have guided us along the way, but were always sure to give us the bad news as well as the good. The social worker who made sure to talk to us each time that she was there during our visits. And the wonderful, wonderful nurses that greeted us with smiles and cared for our girls the best that they could at all hours of the day and night. The friends that I have made along the way, Mike, K. and J., A. and Y., R. and S.-my heart and prayers will be with each of you as your children continue their long journey home. Our families, neighbors, and friends-all of you have provided us with support and help, even those of you across the country. Everyone that has prayed and asked that our girls be prayed for. All of you are our Angels. Above all else our daughters, Avery Rose and Sienna Grace. We love you both.

As Robin and I prepare ourselves for another visit, we have yet to tell the doctors exactly what we want. We will talk about that in the coming hours. I doubt, though, that I shall post anything to this blog again, barring a miracle. Thank you all for reading and praying for and supporting us.

With love,

Quintin

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29 Responses to Seeing Angels as I walk through Hell

  1. Mike says:

    Quintin and Robin,

    I was in the room with you while you were there with Sienna but couldn’t bare to come over because it hurt too much and I wanted to let you all have your time. You are all in my thought’s and forever shall be! After the tragedy with my wife, I know that it is hard but most importantly you two have each other. I can’t begin to generate words or even know how to express myself now. If you two need anything and this extends from this point until I’m no longer physically capable, please let me know. Sending you all love!

  2. Angel Roggenkamp says:

    Oh my god… How can I even express how sad I am. How do I compare this pain to any other. I will hope and pray that Gods sweetest girls give them comfort and love and bless them with nothing but wings. I can not lose thr faith. I want them to continue I hope they continue

  3. Erin and Steven Shillingburg says:

    i am speechless… i am praying for the girls and you all as you make the very difficult decisions that you will be making in the hours to come.

  4. Words fail me. I truly am sorry to hear this. I have followed your journey and you have all been in my constant thoughts. My prayers are with you all, including prayers from my friends and family around the world. I will collect the messages I have received on your behalf, and send them to you via your friend Ria Waugh. I have received messages for Mike too and I will send him those directly. God Bless the little Princesses, Avery and Sienna, and all their loved ones.

  5. Ria Waugh says:

    My brain and heart cannot even fathom having to make the decision you have to. No one deserves this kind of nightmare, least of all your family and my heart just breaks for you. My prayers are with you all tonight and always.

  6. Stacey Slone says:

    All of you have been in Keith’s and my thoughts and prayers all day long. Please accept a long distance hug for there are no words. . . Love to you all.

  7. Susan Mcmurray says:

    I am so sorry. There are no words. We love you very much and we are with you in our hearts through these unthinkable days. You are in our prayers, and my God bless your sweet angels, Avery and Sienna.

  8. Carolyn and Gerry McMurray says:

    Dear Robin and Quentin,
    We are Gerald McMurray’s parents. We have met Robin, but not Quintin. There are no words we can say, but we can’t say nothing either. We have been praying for you and the girls since they were born, and we will not stop now nor in the months and years to come. No matter how short or long the lives of Avery Rose and Sienna Grace, they have been, are and always will be infinitely precious, infinitely valuable. God blessed you in giving them to you. We know you won’t forget that, and that it will become more evident as time passes and the pain lessens. May that happen swiftly. May you have many blessed, happy, and productive years together. May your own lives be sustained, strengthened, enlightened and transformed by the certain hope of being with the girls again, in a place of perfect peace and joy..

  9. Kat Donahue says:

    What horrible news. I’m terribly sorry Quinn and Robin.

    I know you two have a lot of support, but should you need to talk, Alan and I are always there willing to listen.

    Alan: 480-231-9929
    Kat: 602-330-2045

    Our thoughts are with you.

    Kat

    Kat

  10. Cherie says:

    Lots o tears. I can’t imagine how you all feel. Sienna & Avery are in my heart & I’m still praying for them.

  11. Diana says:

    Q and Robin,
    I can’t even imagine what you and your families are going through – If I can help you in anyway you know how to get me. Please know that you are all in my thoughts and will do absolutley anything you need from me. I love you guys and will simply be there when and if needed.
    Diana

  12. Sarah Moorman says:

    Robin,

    I am so sorry that you have had to go through this. My thoughts are with you both during this incredibly difficult journey. Take heart in the time you have spent with your beautiful girls as you make your decisions. Please know that you are in the hearts and minds of many!
    Sarah

  13. Michele Waddell says:

    Dear Robin and Quin,
    I came across your blog via an old classmate from Fayette County, GA, Julie Parker Martin. I don’t know what led me to begin reading, but I have spent the past hour reading your journey and my heart has been filled with sadness and my eyes have been filled with tears. Although I do not personally know you, your story has touched my life. You speak of all the people in your life being Angels without ever realizing that you two are also Angels. Thank you. I will be keeping you all in my prayers.
    Also, as I read about the visit with the chaplain, if you do not currently have a church, Fairfax Community Church is an amazing place. I just moved last week from Fairfax and leaving FCC was the hardest part of leaving the area.
    God bless you and keep you, Michele

  14. Donna Looney says:

    You remain in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time….

    “Trust in the Lord. Be strong. Be brave. Trust in the Lord.”

  15. Esther Rankin says:

    Robin and Quin,

    You don’t know me, I am your Uncle Bernie’s sister-in-law. We have been praying for your family since Heidi gave us the news. We are now praying for God to give you both peace and that He will keep his comforting arms around you both in this most difficult and trying time. May He give you patience and understanding to always rely on one another when either one or both of you are having a bad day. The memories you have and the cherished time you had with your beautiful babies will live in your heart forever. Take care and know that many are praying for your whole family and will continue to do so in the months to come .

    Joe, Esther and Juliann Rankin

  16. This post breaks my heart. I’m so glad you held the girls, and I can’t imagine the pain you are both in, nor the decisions you have to make. I’ll be praying for peace for all of you.

  17. nicholas & nicole ruggiero says:

    Our prayers and thoughts are with all of you through this time. Our hearts are open and here in what ever way you need.

  18. Kristy Workman Andrews says:

    Quintin,

    I don’t know what to say to try to comfort you. I have followed your posts, thought about and prayed for your girls, you and your wife since I heard they had arrived. I am praying for a miracle. You and your wife are amazing. I have been in awe of your grace and faith during your difficult journey. I will continue praying for your sweet girls and for peace for you and your wife whatever the outcome may be. Love to your and your family.

    Kristy Workman Andrews

  19. Amanda Blackmon Meiners says:

    Words cannot possibly express how sorry I am for the way this is going. I’ve spoken to Angel and I will tell you what I told her. You, your wife, and family will be absolutely heartbroken by this. There is no doubt. If the worst happens, however, I believe your sweet girls will be in the loving arms of the Lord. There, there’s only love. They won’t hurt. I will continue to pray however for a miracle. And if not a miracle, then peace for you all.

  20. Sharon Boisvert says:

    What can anyone say. I am here with tears but feel the love your girls have recieved. Your love will caring you both through this. Know in the end your angels will always be with you. Love Hugs Kisses and prayers

  21. Laurie and Brett Diamond says:

    From Page Avenue, we send our prayers your way. We are so deeply saddened for you and cannot imagine what you both are going through. Hang tight to each other, and know we are thinking of all of you, especially those little baby girls.

  22. Sarah Cullifer says:

    Although we have never met, I have been following journey for the past several days. My heart aches for you both, and I will continue to pray for you both and your daughters. I am not going to give up hope!

  23. Mike Halsey says:

    Aided by the openness and courage of their Mommy and Daddy, your daughters have touched and opened the hearts of so many, in such a short time. The comments on this blog are just a tiny glimpse of the love, compassion and gratitude for uncounted blessings which Avery and Sienna have inspired in people who they, and you, may never meet. That “splash” they have made in their lives so far will ripple outward in immeasurable, meaningful ways.

    What a wonderful contribution to make to the world!

  24. Nancy says:

    words are completely inadequate. I love you and you are in my constant thoughts and prayers.

  25. Alison Shutty says:

    My thoughts are with your family.

  26. Katelyn says:

    My thoughts and prayers are completely with you both right now as you seek strength for both yourselves and for your little ones.

    I wanted to recommend to you that you contact “Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep” (http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/) I have several friends who do volunteer work with them. It is a completely free service and a private decision. I recommend you check out their website and consider requesting their services. It may seem odd now to consider pictures of your little ones, but something that you will forever cherish.

  27. Susan Lennon says:

    Robin and Quintin,

    A friend had passed along your website for thoughts and prayers and I have been reading ever since with heartfelt smiles and also tears as you both struggled through your journey and rejoiced in the accomplishments of your little angels. I am so saddened at this twist of fate and continue to pray that God will provide and continue to send strength your way♥ I am at a loss of words for the decisions you both have to make at this time but wanted you to know I am thinking of you as well as my friends and family are and we are all continuing to send prayers and thoughts your way. Hugs to you both….this has touched me more than words can say♥

  28. Angel Roggenkamp says:

    I keep checking and waiting for news. Please know I love you all. I know you are consummed with doubts, worries and fear. But, let the love that everyone has for find some comfort. I am still holding on to the power of prayer. I will not stop til the very end of time. I love you brother. I promise I will pray every waking moment

  29. Michael Branson says:

    I have been following the posts each day since I received the link from Robin’s email. I check them each morning, waiting and hoping. There are no words that I can express that can truly help, so instead I am sending you all of my positive energy and prayer to you!

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