Although I’ve written dozens of blog posts in my head over the last few months, none of them have ended up here. Somehow, it has oddly felt like nothing I could write would come out correctly, or do the feelings justice. I’ve been enjoying every moment I can with our little miracle and trying to adjust to how difficult it is to be a working mom. For years, I’ve coached clients who struggled with how to balance being a successful professional, and also be a mom to an infant. I had long observed that although the struggle included realities of exhaustion and time constraints, it seemed to have more to do with their maternal instincts and the sense that this time of their children’s life was irreplaceable and sacred, and way too short. That somehow corporate politics, business deals, and high heels seem a bit irrelevant and insignificant after creating human life in your womb, and experiencing something so profound and so real at first glimpse of your child’s face. Now, having been back to work full time since February, I’m directly experiencing this pull myself and handling it better on some days than others. Most days I try to remind myself that we’ve been through a very long journey that makes it even more raw, real, and heart wrenching to have to “think” about business strategy and reaching goals each day, rather than just embracing what I feel that I am right now…. a mom….in its entirety. This is not a new challenge for women, just a new one for me.
I’m extremely blessed and fortunate that I actually really enjoy my work and have designed a career that affords me a lot of flexibility and autonomy. I also have a wonderful husband who truly astounds me with how magnificent of a dad he is, And, it’s STILL ridiculously hard.
So, I remind myself that frankly, I may just be tired….or grieving…or both. I remind myself that nothing about the last few years has been easy, that my body has been through a lot, that being in the hospital under constant stress for 5 months was not a real maternity leave, that our hearts have been broken, as well as overjoyed. I remind myself that it will likely get easier, and that there are dear friends of ours who are STILL in the NICU, so we are blessed. I remind myself that someday I’ll “do something” with these emotions and somehow help other mom’s in a more meaningful way, because I’ve directly experienced this “pull” myself. I sure hope so.